When someone hurts you deeply, it can be hard to forgive that person. In fact, most people want to hurt them back and get some kind of revenge. So, hate, bitterness, and anger fill your heart for that person. Wanting that person to suffer or pay for what they’ve done, is called unforgiveness. You may have stuffed down all the other feelings about what happened to you, but this one you are not able to ignore. The problem is, that person is probably not aware of your feelings, and even if they are, it has more of an impact on you than it does them.

Forgiveness is about you. It’s a dark area in your soul and in your heart and darkness only attracts more darkness. I know this is a tough one to get around, and so do the demons. It can help to get some therapy and just talk out the trauma you dealt with, focusing on how it made you feel, and letting all those emotions that come, just flow. We get into trouble when we try to stifle and ignore our feelings and when we keep our trauma hidden. You have to acknowledge it, and you have to talk about it, even if it’s just to God. You have to let those feelings come out, in other words you have to feel them, whatever they are. Confession leads to healing. That is how you will release those pent-up feelings and heal from the hurt. I cannot tell you how liberating it is to just talk about your trauma with someone.

Secondly, forgiveness, may look different for different people and different situations. Ideally, forgiveness means you put the hurt behind you and are able to love that person again, and bring them back into your life. This is how Jesus treats us. However, that may not be possible with everyone. If this person is dangerous or toxic and letting them back into your life would be detrimental, then the process of forgiveness, can just be completed in your own heart without any interaction with the person. You decide what level of interaction is appropriate to give you closure and allow you to move on. One options might be to write a one-way letter that tells the person how you feel, if you can do this in a loving way. Or even write the letter, but never send it. The goal is that you let go of the negative feelings, and try to recover from the pain. It can be as simple as saying the words out loud “I forgive (and the person’s name)”. You can even tell them to their face if that’s safe to do. ‘Safe’ counts as your emotional well-being as well. There were people in my life that I could not face again no matter how reformed they were, but I was able to come to the point of forgiveness in my own heart, and with God.

In this context, you are still acknowledging that what was done to you was not ok, and the person was wrong for doing it – whether they are remorseful or not. However, you stop harboring all of the negative feelings around it, and wish the person no ill-will. It can help to understand that the person was likely being driven by demons when they did it. If you can pray for this person’s salvation, you have come full circle. And trust me, I know how hard that is, but personally, I wouldn’t wish an eternity in Hell on my worst enemy. If you struggle with this forgiveness, I would recommend reading or watching the movie The Shack, by William P. Young. It’s not embraced by every Christian, but I think it lays a powerful foundation for forgiveness. Also, if you just can’t bring yourself to this point, keep praying about it. Ask God to help you forgive this person and heal from what happened. There are some demons that will leave immediately the moment you release unforgiveness, without any additional effort.

Jesus told us, “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you” (Luke 6: 37-38).

And “if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15). Of course you realize, none of us can stand on our own merit being judged under the law, so this is a must to enter the kingdom of Heaven.

There are 2 important principles here. In many ways, Jesus wants us to be like Him. To be plentiful in love, compassion, giving, patience and, mercy. Forgiveness is no different. Jesus taught us by example, and He wants us to learn by living it out. If we expect Jesus to forgive us of all the sins we’ve committed against Him, we must learn what it is like to forgive sins that are committed against us. By doing so, we learn more about His character and we learn how to be more like Him.

The second point, give and it will be given to you (and it goes on to say with the measure that you have given), applies to many things. Whatever we give, we shall receive. It’s kind of like karma. If you are giving bitterness and hate, you are probably going to get the same back from others. If you are giving love, mercy and forgiveness, you will get the same back. And in all of these latter things, we should be generous and giving cheerfully.